we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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