yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
