I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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