I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
