Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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