Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
