Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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