wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
