So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
