i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Text me some of your sweat
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
