Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
