Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
