my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
