my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
