I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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