Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
