My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize