guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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