I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
