Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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