Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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