need another drink. this is the easiest way
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
