I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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