the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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