i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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