You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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