you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
