Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Randomize
