Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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