if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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