I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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