Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
