So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Randomize
