so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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