Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
