guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
What a dumb baby whore.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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