my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
