All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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