How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
