Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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