I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
