***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
