OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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