I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
