I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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