I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize