I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I want to walk on stilts...naked
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
