Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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