He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
