i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
