So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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