the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
