if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
