Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
