I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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