toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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