Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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