The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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