you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
