how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
