I need help removing her.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
