I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize
