Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
