I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
