you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
