two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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